My 'New Norm'?

My 'New Norm'?

The other day, I tried to act 'normal' and it was the worst moment in my life. (2018).

By the way, the pic on the side is taken from a bottle of champagne left in our fridge 6/10/18.

I have always grappled with this empty word called 'normal' and what it actually means in the grand scheme of things, but I suppose, for some, it depends in what context you use this word. For me, this 'normal' notion appeared after I was unfortunately diagnosed with cancer.

And boy, you have no idea how that word cancer suddenly put the brakes on my life. It felt like a car had lost control and hit a brick wall.

Truth be told, my wife has often hinted that I was always a tad 'abnormal'. But hey, that's her privilege. She's earned it. Haha.

I have often been called an 'out of the box' thinker, as my mind jumps from one creative egg to another. For example, have you ever watched those crazy water frogs at Alton Towers spitting water from one point to another. Well that definitely describes how my wee mind works. Spit....splash....spit....splash....spit ....splash ( try saying that fast). Are we 'Normal'? 

When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2016, my so called 'normal' or 'previous' life came to a sudden halt and everything pre-cancer began to fade. It was at this point I began questioning my very existence, my purpose. Did I have one? What will happen to me? Will I survive? Will I be the same, if I do survive? 

A couple of months ago, my GP and I had a long chat (yes, i had a full twenty minutes...) and we began to explore the current state of my mind. She felt I needed time to address my future as I was still in 'grieving' mode but beginning to show signs of moving on positively. I took this agreed time off to reflect on 'pre cancer' times and what, if any, I could salvage. The 'free my mind' time proved useful and allowed me to begin the process of reflecting on my past and projecting on my new future.

You see, i tend to think we can easily fall into the trap where you start to compare pre cancer times with your current situation. Sometimes, the picture you paint turns out to be negative and you fall into a nostalgic haze. For example, i used to have the ability to cycle forty to sixty miles with ease but recently, I have only been able to manage around ten, with a struggle. While still in pre-cancer mode, I never took into consideration the effects of the treatment and of course, my age. The penny began to drop. I began to see this physical/emotional wreck appear in the mirror and thought, this is it. The end is nigh. Therefore, I am really grateful to that particular GP for encouraging me to take the time out mentally and begin the challenge of preparing myself for the next stage. 

To note. During this period (2018), my PSA had dropped to almost zero, an indication that the cancer management and treatment was working. I then spoke to my oncologist regarding reducing or even stopping the monthly hormone injections. He did not agree to stopping the treatment but we did look into possibly stopping the injections and taking a daily pill at a reduced dosage. It was a risk, but one I was willing to take and hopefully try and reduce those horrible side effects such as bloating, wind, constipation and diarrhoea, fatigue and general mental health deterioration in a further attempt to claw back some lost energy and a better quality of life.

Also to note. I did say to the nurse, why do I have to have the same amount of hormone treatment injected into me as someone who may be bigger or smaller than me. Is this treatment a one size fits all. I personally think it should be tailored to suit the person and this may help reduce the effects on us. Just a thought.

(I will be writing a blog soon called 'BOOBS' 2024. Aimed at highlighting the mental and physical impact the hormones have on my body.)

During this period (2018), I met with an occupational therapist. A chatty wee nurse, who kept twisting her head and neck from side to side and letting out a painful gasp. I wondered, is it the nurse that needs therapy for that 'crik' on her neck and not me? To begin with, I thought she was trying to avoid eye contact. I began thinking, 'Oh no, a shy occupational therapist?' But, once we had established it was a just a ‘crik' due to an injury, our conversation eventually developed around a thing she called 'the new norm'. 

At the beginning of our conversation she felt that I was dwelling too much in the past and that it was time to work on my anxiety and start a 'new norm'.  

I could tell by her face she realised I didn’t have a clue what she meant. I said "Eh? A new norm? What in the name of f...... is this? More psychobabble? Oh the cynic in me.

This 'new norm' appears to be a new psychological phrase or jargon used to describe a time in your life that has been changed dramatically by a trauma.  I said to her that very day I would have to tolerate people coming up with the usual cliched advice like, "You just have to suck it up Eddy. Get used to it. Life’s a bugger for us all so just get on with it.” and the old chestnut ‘Get a grip”  Of course, we all have to deal with our own personal circumstances. I agree. I was never raised to be selfish and realise that everyone will have their own crosses to bare. But, if life was as simple as the typical cliched quotes, life would be a breeze? 

So, how do you measure this  'new norm'? Is there a manual? Is it as simple as just get on with it? 

For me, physical recovery can be a lot easier to measure than psychological recovery. Some people can react fairly quickly, psychologically, and recover, but others need time and support. It was the latter for me. The problem with the psychological situation is that there is no visual evidence to attract sympathy from the general passer by. There are no crutches or bandages or bruises for them to view. You are, as John Lennon's song said, 'crippled inside.' (if you are allowed to say that phrase in these so called PC times). Anyway, my mind was disabled.

This miraculous thing inside our skull called the brain processes so much data throughout a lifetime, that sometimes it can become confused. Especially when hit by a trauma and it needs the same patience, support and undivided attention that physical treatments receive.

So, how do I begin my 'new norm'?

According to my occupational therapist, I needed to stop the nostalgia trip and address everything related to my life and compare what I was like before cancer, take out what is now not feasible and act upon what may now be feasible.  Start to accept that at this time you may not be capable of doing fifty or sixty miles on a bike but accept, for the time being, that you can do five or ten and continue to build on this over time.

So, I now, apparently, have the opportunity to start something fresh and new, an opportunity that I once thought would never be feasible. I am now beginning to cross the line from past to present and plan a new future. A 'new norm'. 

The model I chose was simply to take my mind back to primary school. To the days when everything was at that wonderful age where innocence and everything you did had that high level of excitement. It was fresh and new and use this as a platform to build and develop my future.

Like everything in life, there will be ups and downs but I have to learn to realise this and not let the downs drag me back to that dark place again.

My aim from now on is to try and maintain that level of excitement and draw the proverbial line on the sand and use this as my starting point, and hopefully, yes hopefully, I can begin to develop the new me in my new norm. 

Taken from my cancer blog web page called ‘Mybloghead’

If you know anyone who’s dealing with cancer or any devastating illness, take some time to show support.