Tilted Filter

Imagine this. Walk into a bar, any bar and what is normally the first thing you do? I know this is what I do. As soon as I open the door, my wee eyes and brain join forces and automatically scan the whole area and within a split second I begin to choose the area I may feel comfortable in.

What I have done is 'filtered' an area according to my personal preferences an area that I think should make me feel safe. So, I walk towards my preferred area.' My comfortable' area, where the processes in my head feel more at ease and say ' Eddy, don't mix over there with people like them. You have been there before. Once bitten twice shy wee man.'

My built in filter was tilted and it was up to me to bring it back to an acceptable level.

Makes me think. 'What would have happened if I went the other way?'

Maybe in a direction my wife would'nt like when I eventually drag myself home later that night...and wake up the following morning with a headache full of regrets and a toilet bowl calling out ' welcome hughie, have one on me!'

Anyway. Tilted Filter. A strange title you may say. 'Tilted filter' and what has it to do with cancer? Read on.

For me, its probably one of the best ways to describe how our minds work, how we perceive things, how we build our lives around values or codes with the sole aim of following those values/codes without deviation throughout our lives. But, when something upsets these values or codes then we realise how delicate and how easily they can be disrupted and for most, permanently. But is that a good or bad thing?

One thing we human beings don't like is 'change'. And one thing that is permanent in this life is change.

Change throws our values or codes for six and it is then, for most of us, we realise we do not possess the necessary mental tools to deal with change. Our mental filters become tilted no longer running straight and true, but skewed, throwing our minds into confusion and sometimes into chaos.

Take a water pipeline. At some point when the water is fed through a pipe, that water will have to be 'filtered' or 'cleansed' for human consumption and in order for that to happen, the pipe requires a point where the water is fed through filters to catch the impurities and then release that clear, cleansed water. If, for some reason, that pipeline is fractured and foreign bodies enter the pipeline, then our water becomes contaminated.

See where I am going? Well. I think our minds works in a similar way.

I know this may be a simplistic view of describing change but life for me is simple and I do feel we tend to consume far too much 'mind pollution' and become over analytical of things in this so called modern world, to the point that our mental health becomes contaminated to.

Anyway. Cancer. My filter was tilted the day I was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, my filter began vibrating so much I thought the San Fransisco earthquake had arrived! The very word 'cancer' or to some 'the big C' ( I hate that) sends shock waves throughout your system, like a mental tsunami. It was at this point that i started to view people in a completely new light. My old filter system or my old social life took a hit. All of a sudden I started to mix with people I had never, ever been acquainted with before and may I add, never had the pleasure of meeting, had it not been for cancer. It does have its advantages.

It was then I began to realise that 'cancer has no class.' Something I heard regularly when in The Beatson.

Not sure about you, but I hate the word class, it is one of those words like jealousy and religion that is the scourge of the human race causing all sorts of divisions but unfortunately this world so far is built on class divisions and no matter how hard we try to be as open with our values we still fall into the class trap.

But, when I was diagnosed with cancer, the whole notion of class flew straight out the window. All of a sudden I am in a treatment room or cancer transport car sitting beside people from all walks of life, from authors to nurses to builders to school pupils to elderly. The list goes on. Even in this world where so called 'celebrities' appear to have more sway than most, they to succumb to cancer. One of my radiographers pointed out that Billy Connolly had received similar treatment to myself. One person randomly said to me that even Puccini, the composer of La Boheme had throat cancer!

Filter re-adjustment.

I once played amateur/semi professional football and for anyone who has been in a dressing room, it is seen by most as 'a great leveller'. I remember one team I used to play for had a mix of plumbers, teachers, engineers, farmers, businessmen and care workers. Now there's a mix. We all came from different social backgrounds and lived in different demographic areas but once in that dressing room it did not matter where you came from we all had one aim and goal...to pull together for the club and win.

Being diagnosed with cancer and having the privilege of meeting so many terrific people from doctors, nurses, radiographers, volunteers and most importantly the carers and sufferers, has had a profound effect and for the good. Sitting beside people from all walks of life and sharing our stories dissolved that notion of class. I found a common ground, a leveller which made me have to adjust my filter and add new filters. I hope I no longer slip back into that singular 'filter mode' I had before cancer and begin to appreciate the people I previously ignored. For all our faults, we have to make that a focus for the future and seek that common ground and make things better. We humans tend to take things to the precipice, to the edge, before we realise we have to change or else.

It took cancer for me, what will it take for you?