Bloghead 16 - "Im Invincible."

This time last year (yes it is now January 2018 and how time flies) I was grappling with the dreadful news of being diagnosed with cancer. Shock, horror. Me? The fittest 63 year old who cycles everywhere and loves to rave in Ibiza? No way.

Was I deluded? Did I really think that I was invincible?

When you are young with fire in your belly, time means nothing to you but, when all those youthful years begin to melt away, frustration and panic kicks in and you have to switch your mindset. The word 'limitations' all of a sudden has a prominent baring on your mortal compass as we prepare to face the reality of being older and the impact this can have on both your body and mind.

I consider myself one of those lucky buggers. I was raised by my parents to enjoy life to the full. My dads advice when I was younger was "Edward, don't be sitting on your park bench when you are eighty and look back and say 'I wish I had just gone ahead and did that'. Give it a go."

So, I have been doing that.

Recently, I used to get angry at people who would tell you to grow old gracefully. Eh? Does that mean you have to put yourself out to graze and spend your last days on earth in Gods waiting rooms? Enjoying life to the full is not a God given right reserved only for the young. We are here for a very short period of time so fill those days as best you can. When I turned sixty I was still going to Ibiza to rave, run sand dunes and cycle around the countryside playing my ukulele for charity. Hell, I even set up a new film production company, (remember, I have been a careers adviser for nearly thirty years) and had to develop a completely new set of skills in both film/media and how to build a business from scratch, at the ripe old age of sixty.

Tell me, is there a hidden rule book written somewhere telling you to stop living at an older age?

During that period, I did not have cancer. You see, I was 'invincible'.

Since being diagnosed on December 2016 and enduring a year of treatment to this day, my invincibility has been dented and I use that word strongly and not loosely. Okey, my armour has taken a bit of a battering and there were times when I could have thrown in the towel but that year has not only strengthened my resolve but added to my armour.

Since my diagnosis, I could probably describe the past twelve months as a time of phases.

Phase one. The shock.

I already had experienced the impact of cancer through my father and brother both being diagnosed with cancer and when one lucky night (for me and not my brother obviously) I visited my brother in hospital, a nurse casually said that I should be tested as it may be hereditary. It took me a day or two to decide whether to have the test as i had no symptoms and thought I was still in the invincible phase!

When the PSA blood test and the doctors inspection in my outback (one of the most embarrassing inspections a man can endure) came back as positive then my armour began to rattle. Further tests came early 2017 and it was confirmed. I had cancer.

Dealing with that news was probably one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had in my life. Mentally, I was distraught. Not sleeping. Grumpy. Confused.

For the first time my mortality was being questioned.

Then they started hormone treatment and that only exacerbated things. I was in shock.

A dark cloud appeared above my head.

Phase two. Confusion.

The summer of 2017 passed in a blur. A time when I normally come to life and enjoy the great outdoors appeared to be slipping away from me. People around me changed. I noticed that whenever I mentioned I was suffering from cancer people found it difficult to converse. This made me feel alone and isolated. Cancer began to take its grip on me mentally and physically. The fog had set in. A time when anything could have happened but for the strength of my close family supporting me. Without them I would have been lost. My invincibility was under scrutiny and at this stage I began to believe there was no way out of it.

Phase three. Getting to grips.

The onset of my radiotherapy believe it or not helped drag me out of that fog. Something was actually being done. For months I had been waiting to see if the hormone injections were working but this waiting was slowly dragging me down.

Now I had received a letter to attend my treatment. Hurrah. Something was happening.That letter was a turning point. At least I could plan the next few weeks for a change and I felt that I was part of something even though it was to attend cancer treatment. The fight was on.

That period of travelling to the Beatson was a life changer. There I was being driven to the hospital by Ayrshire Cancer Support volunteer drivers who had so much knowledge about cancer they were in some cases better informed than the nurses. The fellow passengers who suffered from a variety of cancers and at various stages of cancer really opened my eyes and meeting other fellow cancer sufferers within the hospital, where some were obviously in more advanced stages than me, really shook me. I began to see that there were various levels of cancer and by listening to the people who had cancer and their carers both in the cafe and treatment rooms made me realise how incredible the human psych can be when dealing with cancer.

"Hey, we have cancer so what else can we do? Just shrivel up and die?" One person said. For the first time I realised, I was not alone.

I remember saying to a driver "Some of the people here are in really bad shape and I am nowhere near their level of condition." He replied " Eddy, everything is relevant. You are here to be treated so that your cancer does not reach that stage." The best piece of advice I have ever received.

I began this journey feeling like I had lost my invincibility but my time travelling to the Beatson has oddly enough strengthened it. I realise that there are two types of invincibility: One...we are never 'life invincible' as our time on earth will inevitably stop but while you are living and breathing and have the spirit to take on lifes ups and downs you have to sustain that notion of being invincible or you will never survive.

The journey continues....