I'm In Limbo

Bloghead 9- In Limbo

I am going to start off with a quote from an Australian blog I found...

"The guy who dies in a car wreck or drops dead from a heart attack never knows what hit him. He (or she, my edit) never gets the chance to do things differently if needed." Todd Seals, diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer.

WE DO!!!

Recently, I was unfortunate to discover my 'anterior cruciate ligament' and my 'meniscus' were both torn.  I bust my knee in other words. Ouch! A typical old footballers injury. On top of that, my prostate cancer hormone treatment is not going to plan and they have now doubled the doze to bring down my PSA and testosterone. Hopefully this works or I have another long wait to see what solution they come up with. That's ten months on hormone treatment and we thought by now the radiotherapy would have started. 

My wife thinks I am still too much of a neanderthal for the treatment to take any effect!  She says I have Caveman syndrome.

Anyway. As you may be aware through my blog site, I am a very active person and the thought of being diagnosed with cancer took the wind from my sails and, as we all do when hit by a crisis, we 're-adjust' our lives accordingly in order to continue with most of our activities.

So there I was sailing along for a number of months, in limbo, 're-adjusting'. Learning how to cope with cancer both physically and mentally when bang!! My knee gives way.

What next? I said. That now puts the cancer limbo in limbo. 

Before I go on, I must mention the great counselling therapy I received from Ayrshire Cancer Support who have been a huge influence in my 're-adjustment'.  

So, here I am again having to deal with another limbo. Two limbos for FK sake. Again, what next? With the cancer, at least I had my physical mobility and could enjoy some cycling etc but now, being on crutches for a few weeks made me realise the mobility I had previously enjoyed, had been taken away (albeit hopefully temporarily). Being on crutches completely limits you.

Even walking into the toilet and trying to sit properly becomes an intricate manoeuvre!!! There I was with my physio’s teaching me how to walk up and down stairs, pour a kettle, sit on a chair and even a simple thing we take for granted like getting in and out my bed became a painful chore. Bloody hell, what next?

To note, while hobbling along the street, more people stopped to ask me how my leg was, more than stopping to ask about my cancer. You see, you can’t see the crutches inside my body, my organs, my brain or my tiny thoughts. We seem to be geared to react more to the physical appearance of a person than whats happening internally and in most cases, I think, the internal problems turn out to be the worst.

Currently, I am undergoing rehab sessions in the gym and now beginning to realise that my physical activities are becoming very limited and will have to change in the future. No ifs, buts or ands. No Running up mountains or assaulting the local sand dunes. For now, thats out.

So, here I am sitting on the couch like a peeled potato, feeling sorry for myself writing this blog, 'in limbo’. (I don't think the limbo dance is something i will attempt in the near future).

Although, I have to admit that I am frequently in the doldrums trying to steer my head around this current situation, albeit with no anti depressants or voodoo. At least I am learning. I know I have the capabilities to 're-adjust' again and hopefully begin to carve out a new approach to life, whatever that may turn out to be and slip out of this limbo. 

 So, being in limbo is an unpleasant experience and you do feel that your back is up against the wall with no way out. My therapist says I have two choices 1. to let myself spiral into a dangerous emotional trap or 2. come out fighting. I prefer number two. 

As the quote at beginning indicates, at least I have the time to make a choice.